Living a life of love

One year ago today, Josh and I were diagnosed with infertility. One year ago, our worlds stopped spinning as the reality sunk in. The reality was that, after a lifetime of longing, praying, and preparing to be a mother, I was facing a diagnosis that said it would likely never happen apart from very costly medical intervention.  So here is my question: how does that circumstance, and all those that followed as we struggled through infertility, loss, and miscarriage this year, line up with the truth that I have been and still am chosen by God for a life of love?

I have been chosen in Christ, called to share His love and shine His light where He has placed me. He has chosen me for a life of love.

I am thinking today about what it means to be chosen. God is very clear in the Bible that He has chosen His children for a specific purpose. He has chosen us to demonstrate and live out a life of love. What does that look like in real life, in the midst of trials and triumphs?

As I sit here, on the other side of one of the most difficult years of my life, I remain certain. I fully believe that God chose me and called me to live life as a missionary for Him, as an example of His love. As a child, He put this passion and desire within my heart. Over the years, through relationships, jobs, church families, and both local and international positions, He has continued to spur me on toward living a life of love. This year was no exception.

Each moment of this year drew me closer to the Lord as we sought His guidance and His presence in our lives. As I have passed through the depths of grief and loss, His love has comforted me and led me on. I have been that little hurting lamb, carried close to the chest of my Loving Shepherd. I have experienced that I have a good, good Father who loves me unfailingly.

During the sadness and difficulty, as friends and family drew near to support us, love us, pray for us, and lift us up with encouragement, I learned something new about my Savior. Sometimes He calls us to sorrow, trials, and pain. I do not believe He would ever plan for our unborn children to die before they ever were born, so that is not what I mean. But I do believe He calls us and allows us to walk paths in life that weave through depths of sorrow, loss, and even despair. Why would He do that?  In these moments of life, He calls us to sacrifice our emotions and fix our eyes on Him. He calls us to choose FAITH when we see nothing physically worth believing in. Who hopes for what is already seen? The only way he can grow and develop in us the precious gifts of faith, hope, and trust is by putting us in places where we see nothing human to fix our hope to.

And so here we are. One year later. We are not yet parents. We are living in temporary housing and do not have a church family yet in Minnesota. There are a lot of unknowns, a whole lot of them. But glimmers of light are shining through. God has truly provided for our every need, sometimes in pretty miraculous ways! We have a roof over our head and good food to eat. Josh and I have each other, and our relationship has grown and deepened tremendously over this year of sadness and transition. I have just been offered two new part time jobs, doing work in the anti-trafficking movement. Josh has begun working as a volunteer attorney with two different programs that serve homeless individuals in the twin cities. 

All of that is good. We still fix our hope on Christ alone as we pray for the children we believe we will one day have. It hurts, I am not going to lie. How I would love to be stable enough right now to do our last IVF cycle or begin the adoption process in Minnesota! How we pray for the miraculous pregnancy we believe is coming one day! God knows our family and who will be in it. God is working His plans in our lives, and we choose to continue to rely on Him and His timing for our family. So we wait patiently on the Lord and experience His mercies everyday.

And almost everyday I am absolutely amazed by the beautiful surprises He has for us! I started out this entry talking about being chosen and called by God. I know that I have been chosen to live a life of love, clothed in compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, and discipline in the midst of trials and sorrow. But I have also been called live that life of love through missions. My heart overflows as I think about all God has done recently in this part of who I am! I was called to be a missionary when I was only 8 years old, and in each stage of my life God has shown me a bit more of how He wants to use me. He is doing many different beautiful works in my life as a missionary right now!

First, let’s start with the big one: two weeks from tomorrow I leave for Guatemala! God opened this door for me back in December, then urged me to ask for financial support and prayer for the trip online through GoFundMe- and He brought in ALL of my needed finances plus an extra $500 in that first week and a half! It turns out He had a plan for that money: this week I spent that money to change my flights so that I can go to Guatemala sooner. I will be co-leading a week long seminar on healing, empowerment, and restoration from trauma for faith-based leaders with my good friend and former colleague, Laurel. I will get the opportunity to journey with this group as the learn how to most effectively and compassionately walk alongside community members who have been victims of suffering, violence, and abuse, including war and human trafficking. That will be March 14-17. After that, Laurel and her family and I will travel to the mountainous northern part of Guatemala where the recently publicized sexual slavery trials are ongoing and much of the community is ravaged by poverty and mass migration. There, we will write, reflect, and serve for a few days. I am still hoping and praying that I will be able to spend one day encouraging the staff and orphans at an orphanage on Lago Atitlan. We are also hoping for a short visit to nearby Antigua to participate in the Semana Santa (Holy Week) festivities celebrating the passion of Christ. Please pray for my trip to Guatemala from March 13-24. Specifically, I am praying that I will have the strength to live out Christ’s love in all of these circumstances and that people’s hearts will be encouraged and filled with God’s presence.

God also has opened up two different opportunities for me to teach and encourage others about missions. This Sunday, I will be sharing my heart for missions at Faith in Christ Church, in Eagan, MN. This is a tremendous blessing, as our good friends Sam and Sarah just started pastoring this church last month. I also have recently committed to returning to Lake Lundgren Bible Camp this summer (June 13-17) as the camp missionary speaker! What an incredibly rich blessing in my life the last time I served as missionary speaker for several weeks in the summer of 2010. I cannot wait!

God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine! In January of this year I claimed Ephesians 3:20 as a theme verse for our family in 2016. So far, in many amazing ways, God has done greater things than we could have even dreamed possible! In fact, today I paused in writing this entry so that I could go with Josh to drive by a potential apartment. We didn’t like it, but decided to keep driving around St. Paul to look at other neighborhoods. We came to the very first neighborhood we loved in the twin cities… in there was a for rent sign in a perfect location. Long story short: I think we just found our ideal place to live!! Praying the details all work out. 

Finally, one last thought before I wrap this up. This morning in my Becoming More online Bible Study with Proverbs 31 Ministries, I read about my identity in Christ. He has chosen me. I am seen and known by Him. I am treasured and loved by Him. I am forgiven and redeemed.  But here is the thing: He gave me this identity not only to enrich my own life, but to bless, serve, and love others. I love the list of attributes God tells us He has picked out for us and chosen us to live out: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, and discipline. The fact of the matter is that all five attributes indeed bless the people we are in relationship with. 

On our wedding day, my mom had the beautiful idea of gathering together with my bridal party and I so that each of them could share a treasured Bible verse or piece of marriage advice, and we could pray together over our marriage. Colossians 3:12-14 were the verses my mother shared with me that day. After listing the attributes we are to put on, the verse conclude by saying: "And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." The day I wed my loving husband was one of the most beautiful, spiritually triumphant and special moments of my entire life. Colossians 3:12-14 set the tone for both our wedding day and our marriage. These verses serve as a daily calling. 

This year, I have learned that the heart of who God chose me to be is the same in both trials and triumphs. Friends, let's use the lives we have been given, no matter the circumstances we presently find ourselves in, to lead lives of love, blessing those around us with love. 

Thank you, as always for journeying with me... and stay tuned for more posts. I plan to put more frequents updates on here while I am in Guatemala in March. And if you are praying or supporting us in any way: a huge thank you from Josh and I!! 

New steps in the journey...

We are falling more and more in love with God's heart. And we are learning to trust him in a deeper, more day-to-day way. Recently, the verse that inspired this blog has leapt back into my heart again.

[Jesus] replied, "Because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a poppyseed, you can say to this mountain, 'MOVE from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. 

- Matthew 17:20

Altiplano, Bolivia (2011)

Altiplano, Bolivia (2011)

As we begin 2016 with the goal of living out and growing our FAITH, we are relentlessly trying to seek after God's will for us, even as we still mourn the loss of our babies. We feel it is time to take some steps forward, in faith, as we explore and live our God's heart for the lonely, the orphaned, and the oppressed. And we hope that 2016 just may be the year to claim the promise... nothing will be impossible with faith!

Josh and I have decided to begin the process of adopting a group of siblings from the Minnesota Waiting Kids list. (!!!) We have attended the first meeting with the county, and are now selecting which agency to work with to get our training, home study, and matching done. How exciting! Of course, one of us must get a permanent full time job so we can rent our own house first. With faith nothing is impossible! And so we keep on moving forward. I already feel a bigger dream stirring in my heart. What if the Church stepped up, supporting families within every single local church, so that there simply was NO MORE waiting kids list?! Definitely something on my mind a lot lately, and absolutely a God-sized vision, but one that keeps on burning in me. I will keep you updated on our adoption process (and on this bigger vision), but in the meantime would you pray with us for the family that God wants to give us?

We also have decided that I will travel to Central America on a missions trip/ writing trip from March 30- April 12. I am thrilled, especially since God developed so much of my heart for the broken while I lived in Honduras in 2002.
God has opened this door for me to: 

- pour out his love on orphans at a Guatemalan orphanage,
-encourage domestic violence survivors at a women's shelter and empowerment program in rural Guatemala,
-teach and mentor youth at a Guatemala City drop in center for children who have been returned to Guatemala after suffering injuries when trying to cross into the United States,
-write an article on trauma-informed practices in serving trafficking survivors with my colleague and friend, Laurel, and
- support local anti-trafficking programs in Guatemala, El Salvador, and (maybe!) Belize

In order to travel to Guatemala to carry out this work, I am in need of both prayer and financial resources. If you want to know more or you want to donate, would you please take a look at My new gofundme page??

It is my hope and prayer that these will be the first of many steps in our lives which will bring a measure of beauty and goodness out of the sorrow of the past year. In other words, we are praying for an Isaiah 61 redemption: "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Amen!
Thanks for journeying with us.

Remembering

Our first set of twins would have been due on January 9. Last April, we believed that by Christmas our first children would have been born. Since Thanksgiving, I have faced a daily battle with sorrow as I think of those little babies we never got to snuggle or rock to sleep.

            We have been struggling to discern what is next. A number of people have asked for an update, and writing this blog post has been weighing on my heart. Friends, we still sit with many questions lingering. Are there steps we should take to grieve our losses? Should we plan for one last IVF attempt with the last two embryos? Or is the next step to pursue adoption locally? In the midst of pain, we have seen glimmers of hope and light moving us along. Adoption is such a beautiful possibility, one that has grabbed our hearts. I resonate so deeply with God's heart on adoption. He longs to "set the lonely in families." (Psalm 68:6) 

“It’s not over until God says so. So I count it all joy. You make all things new. It’s not over.” (It's not over, by Isreal and New Breed) Strength. Faith. Courage. As I remember God’s faithfulness to me through my life, I will find the strength to stand upon his promises. I will believe and hope for what I have not yet seen. I will face each moment with courage as we decide what is next.

In making these decisions, there is a constant sadness and a gnawing sense that we actually must continue to wait. We cannot move forward until we have sorted out some concrete things: income through fulfilling work, benefits to take care of ourselves and our future family, and housing big enough for a house study!

And so we wait. How fitting to be in a season of waiting during advent. Advent is the season in which we remember the long wait for the birth of the Savior so many years ago. We celebrate the peace, hope, joy, and love that Jesus’s birth brought into a very dark world. As I think back, I see that Jesus was born into messiness, waiting, and confusion. The parallels are striking: Joseph and Mary were waiting for their baby’s birth when they were homeless, away from family, and confused about what life would look like for them once they became parents. They, and a whole nation of people, waited for what was to come.    

O Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

Back then, the times were dark as they waited. The times seem dark as we wait for God to move in our lives.

             “A change is coming for me, if I stay strong and believe.” (Israel and New Breed) Yes. I truly do believe that. Although I do not know what is next, and I have no idea when or how we will become parents, I choose to believe. Just as we wait during advent, we will choose to rest in this season of waiting for our children.

God's confirmation. Romans 12:12

Why do I keep on believing that we will be parents someday, when the diagnosis of infertility looms large? God has confirmed it so many times. Even a couple of weeks ago, when I attended a women’s Christmas dinner at Freedom in Christ Church, the message was about waiting and the speaker talked about adoption and orphans in Mozambique. I wept. And then I won a door prize: a Willowtree figurine of a mother holding a toddler-aged child in a loving embrace. My heart whispered, thank you, God, for that confirmation.

            In Romans 12:12, God says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” The other night, Josh and I had a time of devotions together and he brought this verse. In the midst of infertility these three commands have been hard to live out at times. But our strength is being renewed day by day, as we continue to trust in God and take him at his Word. I met with the speaker from that women’s event this week. God has woven into our hearts so many of the same passions and the sweet time of prayer lifted my eyes back to Jesus, reminding me that He is in control even now. She encouraged me to REMEMBER God’s faithfulness in the past.

Moments passed through my heart. God healing my concussion in Mexico in 1997. The Holy Spirit’s amazing gift of the ability to speak Portuguese upon my arrival in Sao Paulo in 2004. The calling to be a voice for voiceless human trafficking survivors back in Maputo in 2009. God’s provision for my every need while in the mission fields of Honduras, Trinidad, Brazil, Liberia, Malawi, Kenya, Mozambique, and Bolivia. The family that God has given me in every single place I have ever lived. Meeting and marrying my loving, supportive husband. And now, this time. The faithful, prayerful friends and family who have stuck with us during this season of working with human trafficking survivors, losing our babies, and transitioning to a new chapter. Praise God for all of them, and for all of you. 

My heart is full as I reflect on those times of God’s faithfulness, and so many more. God truly is good. We will right now choose to be JOYFUL in hope, knowing that what is not yet seen will one day come to pass. We will choose to be PATIENT in this present affliction, resting in God’s comfort and peace. And we will choose to be FAITHFUL in prayer, praying until something happens in one or more of our areas of need. I encourage you to do the same thing: REMEMBER God’s faithfulness to you. And then choose to live our Romans 12:12 where you are at right now. 

And so I will end where I started. We are grieving the loss of our babies, who would have been born now. We struggle. We weep. But we know that “it’s not over until God says so.” And so we rejoice in that hope. And we wait to see that hope fulfilled. 

O Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

            God will come. He will act. We know that. May you consider the waiting and the darkness as you celebrate the joy of hopes fulfilled. Merry Christmas. Thank you, again, for all of the love, prayers, and support this year. 

No longer slaves to fear

            The next stage of our journey has begun, in more ways than one. This morning starts our first day in this next chapter. This chapter is one that, so far, is mostly characterized by trusting our Father and relying on the love of our family and friends. Our hearts are saddened when we think of all we left behind in Ohio, but quietly hopeful toward what lies ahead. Knowing that I am a child of God, I will not be afraid of walking into the unknown.

                                   I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.

          

       Prayer is a powerful weapon. Prayer is communication with our God, and resting in His presence. Prayer is what has held me up over the past nine months. Truly, prayer side by side with my sisters and brothers in Christ has been the anchor God blessed me with over the last couple of years of ups and downs.

            Last Friday was my last day working as a staff attorney and coordinator of the Legal Aid of Western Ohio Human Trafficking Protection Project. This morning, as I reflect through prayer, worship, and journaling, I am filled with gratitude. I think back to August 23, 2009. That was the day that the seeds of the Human Trafficking Protection Project were planted in my heart. That is the day that I learned that “Hope is to the heart what seeds are to the soil.” If my heart has a strong hope in it, my heart will endure the difficulties to realize that hope. Hope is the starting point. Hope is the anchor of the soul. (Hebrews 6:19).

            On August 23, 2009, I went out for lunch with some of the other missionaries working in Maputo, Mozambique. We were eating “lulas” on the patio of the Catembe Grand Hotel on Catembe Island, in Maputo Bay. At that time, I was in the process of healing and recovering from a very difficult season. Mozambique had become my Psalm 40 place, the high rock on which he set my feet when he heard my cry and rescued me from the mud and mire. (Psalm 40:1-2). On August 23, 2009, he “put a new song in my mouth.” (Psalm 40:3). This new song started with worship, prayer and two words: human trafficking. God spoke the words to my heart that day at the Catembe Grand Hotel, and confirmed many times over that he was calling me to “be a voice for voiceless” survivors of human trafficking in the coming years.

            I took the LSAT, applied for law school, was awarded a full tuition scholarship, and began studying at Michigan State University College of Law with a single goal: to protect and speak up for survivors of human trafficking. Times were sometimes difficult (as anyone who has attended law school and sat for the bar exam would agree!!). I immediately became active in the Michigan Human Trafficking Task Force and applied for a summer legal internship with International Justice Mission. Through being a member of the task force and working in Bolivia with IJM, the calling that God put in my heart in 2009 sprang to life. At the end of my first year of law school, I brought together a group my classmates and we laid the groundwork to found the Modern Abolitionist Legal Society, and my years of raising awareness about human trafficking among professionals began with a bang.

            In law school, there is a lot of uncertainty about what kinds of jobs will be available when you graduate and pass the bar. With my singular purpose, I decided there was only one option: apply for a Skadden Fellowship to start a project that would provide representation to human trafficking survivors. It was a long shot. No graduate of my law school had ever been awarded a fellowship, and, in fact, the majority of fellows proposed projects in big cities and with known public interest legal organizations as partners. I chose internships and clinics to grow in the areas of immigration law, representation of vulnerable individuals, and human trafficking laws and policies.

The Family Justice Center- Defiance, OH

In August 2012, I attended a single session at the American Bar Association conference in Chicago: Witness Intimidation. I saw that a number of victim advocates and victim attorneys would be presenting, so I felt compelled to go.  That day was pivotal because I learned about the Family Justice Center model. A couple of weeks later, I decided to research the closest Family Justice Center to MSU Law, so I could visit and, hopefully, discuss partnering with me to seek a Skadden Fellowship. On the website, I found that the Family Justice Center of Northwest Ohio was the closest one, so I called the number listed. A week later, my new boyfriend (now my husband!) and I drove down to Defiance, Ohio, and I met Pam Hayman Weaner for the fist time. She convinced me that Defiance was the place to launch this project and put my vision into action. And so we did! Three years later, through the Skadden Fellowship and Legal Aid of Western Ohio, the project I started has trained over 3,700 professionals, responded to over 150 referrals of potential human trafficking, and represented more than 50 survivors. Not only that, but the Human Trafficking Protection Project is continuing at Legal Aid with new grant funding, very dedicated volunteers, an amazing supervisor, and a flourishing new chapter of a regional human trafficking coalition.  

You spread the sea so I could walk right through it.

My fears are drowned by perfect love.

            

          God was so incredibly faithful to the calling he put on my life. He fulfilled his promises to me and completed this chapter of the purpose for my life. There were some terrifying moments, and some moments of great uncertainty. But God came through every single time. Indeed, he parted the seas, moved the mountains, and drowned out my fears with his love. I am extremely grateful, not only to God but to each and every person who supported me and strengthened the project.

           

You might be reading this asking What does this all have to do with infertility, after all, this is a blog called Faith, Love, and Babies?  Good question, friends. At the risk of making this my longest blog post yet (I am already beginning page three on the word document I am typing in!), I will explain.

We went in for our follow up consultation with our fertility doctor in mid-September. It looks unlikely, friends. We were filled with sadness and fear that day, as the doctor said words like “genetic testing” and “surrogacy.” What?! He encouraged us to get genetic testing done on both of us, and to consider another full IVF cycle with genetic testing on each embryo before attempting to transfer them into me for implantation.

It was all too much. We felt no peace about moving forward. We did not do the genetic testing. We continue to pray for our two still-frozen embryos, and continue to wait for God to give us peace about the when to begin another frozen IVF cycle to give those two embryos a chance to grow and be born. But the chances don’t look very good. We will wait for God to lead us. 

A beautiful reminder (painted by Jane DeKorne)

Around that same time, we started to feel God moving us out of Ohio and to Minnesota. The week that I was sworn in as an attorney in Minnesota, Josh and I had some very positive meetings and interviews there. We felt God giving us the green and telling us “it’s time to move.” Neither of us had full time job offers. We had no place to live. But we began preparing to move, choosing to trust God. That is still basically where we are at today, as we sit in my parents’ basement in Luxemburg, Wisconsin.

And then a beautiful thing happened. We learned about the Waiting Kids list in Minnesota. God began to deeply stir our hearts and souls for children waiting for families in that state. We began to research, pray, and talk through the possibilities. We learned that, in Hennepin County alone (where Minneapolis is), there are 77 kids on the waiting list for families. We grow more and more certain each day that we are being called to create our family through adoption. God wants us to be parents to children who are alone and feeling unwanted. We desperately want to be their parents (no, not all 77!!). 

 

Godparents to our niece, Maya (10/18/15)

Even as I write this, my heart soars. I surrender to the beauty that God is making out of the ashes of loosing four babies this year. I surrender to the mystery of God’s plans for our lives. My heart still feel sadness for our children we never got to meet. I still may never fully understand. But I now feel excitement in this season of waiting, as the puzzle pieces begin to come together for us. God has brought us through another difficult season, and He has given me the firm anchor of hope to cling to as we peer into the unknown.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing: 

I am a child of God. 

            Friends, that is what I leave you with today. God has rescued me so I can stand and sing: “I am a child of God!” (Lyrics in italics throughout blog are from the song “No Longer Slaves.”) I see his fingerprints and his faithfulness so evidently. He has a plan for our lives, and he will fulfill those plans and purposes of us. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we continue on this journey and start a new chapter in so many areas of our lives. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. We appreciate you more than you know!

Unfailing love in the midst of sadness

On Monday at 3:15 my phone rang. The nurse from the Toledo Fertility Clinic used (eerily) the exact same words as last April: “Unfortunately, I am not calling with good news. The test was negative. Your HCG level was less than one. You are not pregnant. I am sorry.” Our worst fear was realized: again. With that phone call, the reality of the situation came rushing in. We had now lost four children. Four of our babies, conceived through our bodies, had been transferred into my body and died there. Out of the six babies conceived in April, now two remain.

Sadness. I need God’s word to center my heart and calm my spirit today. The weight of sadness is so heavy. I need these verses to reflect my heart, with God’s help.

Psalm 27:13-14- I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 33:4- For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.

Signs of God's goodness in desolate places

Psalm 33:20-22- We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.

            That is our prayer: “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.”

            Until tonight I really have not been strong enough to write this blog post. I praise God and am so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, hugs, and even laughter from friends and family since Monday afternoon. You kindness has helped us start the journey of healing from this sad loss. I sigh as I think about this season of waiting we are in. It feels desolate. So far, our season of waiting has really been a season of heartache and closed doors. Closed doors to starting a family. Closed doors to all of the jobs we have applied for. This is where I come back to the verses about the goodness and love of the LORD. Hard to understand right now, but so very true, even now as we feel his love surround us.

            Yesterday, right before the phone call, I had been reading Psalm 138:8- The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands. I read that as a promise- the LORD WILL. I believe that he has a purpose for me, even though I do not know the details of what that purpose is. I believe that he will fulfill it, even though I don’t know how. And so I echo the words of the psalmist: “your love endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.” 

            And so, here we are, friends. We wait on the purposes of the Lord to be fulfilled in the life of our family. We trust that God will not abandon us. And we look forward with both tears and joy to the day when we will become parents to our children. Thanks for your love and support as we anticipate that great day.