Our first set of twins would have been due on January 9.
Last April, we believed that by Christmas our first children would have been
born. Since Thanksgiving, I have faced a daily battle with sorrow as I think of
those little babies we never got to snuggle or rock to sleep.
We have
been struggling to discern what is next. A number of people have asked for an update,
and writing this blog post has been weighing on my heart. Friends, we still
sit with many questions lingering. Are there steps we should take to grieve our
losses? Should we plan for one last IVF attempt with the last two embryos? Or
is the next step to pursue adoption locally? In the midst of pain, we have seen
glimmers of hope and light moving us along. Adoption is such a beautiful possibility, one that has grabbed our hearts. I resonate so deeply with God's heart on adoption. He longs to "set the lonely in families." (Psalm 68:6)
“It’s not over until God says so.
So I count it all joy. You make all things new. It’s not over.” (It's not over, by Isreal and New
Breed) Strength. Faith. Courage. As I remember God’s faithfulness to me
through my life, I will find the strength to stand upon his promises. I will believe and hope for
what I have not yet seen. I will face each moment with courage as we decide
what is next.
In making these decisions, there is
a constant sadness and a gnawing sense that we actually must continue to wait.
We cannot move forward until we have sorted out some concrete things: income
through fulfilling work, benefits to take care of ourselves and our future
family, and housing big enough for a house study!
And so we wait. How fitting to be
in a season of waiting during advent. Advent is the season in which we remember
the long wait for the birth of the Savior so many years ago. We celebrate the
peace, hope, joy, and love that Jesus’s birth brought into a very dark world.
As I think back, I see that Jesus was born into messiness, waiting, and
confusion. The parallels are striking: Joseph and Mary were waiting for their
baby’s birth when they were homeless, away from family, and confused about what
life would look like for them once they became parents. They, and a whole nation of people, waited for what was to come.
O
Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here
until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.
Back then, the times were dark as they waited. The times
seem dark as we wait for God to move in our lives.
“A change is coming for me, if I stay strong
and believe.” (Israel and New Breed) Yes. I truly do believe that. Although I
do not know what is next, and I have no idea when or how we will become
parents, I choose to believe. Just as we wait during advent, we will choose to
rest in this season of waiting for our children.
 |
| God's confirmation. Romans 12:12 |
Why do I keep on believing that we
will be parents someday, when the diagnosis of infertility looms large? God has
confirmed it so many times. Even a couple of weeks ago, when I attended a
women’s Christmas dinner at Freedom in Christ Church, the message was about
waiting and the speaker talked about adoption and orphans in Mozambique. I
wept. And then I won a door prize: a Willowtree figurine of a mother holding a
toddler-aged child in a loving embrace. My heart whispered, thank you, God, for that confirmation.
In Romans
12:12, God says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in
prayer.” The other night, Josh and I had a time of devotions together and he
brought this verse. In the midst of infertility these three commands have been
hard to live out at times. But our strength is being renewed day by day, as we
continue to trust in God and take him at his Word. I met with the speaker from
that women’s event this week. God has woven into our hearts so many of the same
passions and the sweet time of prayer lifted my eyes back to Jesus, reminding
me that He is in control even now. She encouraged me to REMEMBER God’s
faithfulness in the past.
Moments passed through my heart.
God healing my concussion in Mexico in 1997. The Holy Spirit’s amazing gift of
the ability to speak Portuguese upon my arrival in Sao Paulo in 2004. The
calling to be a voice for voiceless human trafficking survivors back in Maputo
in 2009. God’s provision for my every need while in the mission fields of
Honduras, Trinidad, Brazil, Liberia, Malawi, Kenya, Mozambique, and Bolivia.
The family that God has given me in every single place I have ever lived.
Meeting and marrying my loving, supportive husband. And now, this time. The
faithful, prayerful friends and family who have stuck with us during this
season of working with human trafficking survivors, losing our babies, and
transitioning to a new chapter. Praise God for all of them, and for all of you.
My heart is full as I reflect on
those times of God’s faithfulness, and so many more. God truly is good. We will
right now choose to be JOYFUL in hope, knowing that what is not yet seen will
one day come to pass. We will choose to be PATIENT in this present affliction,
resting in God’s comfort and peace. And we will choose to be FAITHFUL in
prayer, praying until something happens in one or more of our areas of need. I
encourage you to do the same thing: REMEMBER God’s faithfulness to you. And
then choose to live our Romans 12:12 where you are at right now.
And so I will end where I started.
We are grieving the loss of our babies, who would have been born now. We
struggle. We weep. But we know that “it’s not over until God says so.” And so
we rejoice in that hope. And we wait to see that hope fulfilled.
O
Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here
until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.
