On Monday at 3:15 my phone rang. The nurse from the Toledo Fertility Clinic used (eerily) the exact same words as last April: “Unfortunately, I am not calling with good news. The test was negative. Your HCG level was less than one. You are not pregnant. I am sorry.” Our worst fear was realized: again. With that phone call, the reality of the situation came rushing in. We had now lost four children. Four of our babies, conceived through our bodies, had been transferred into my body and died there. Out of the six babies conceived in April, now two remain.
Sadness. I need God’s word to center my heart and calm my spirit today. The weight of sadness is so heavy. I need these verses to reflect my heart, with God’s help.
Psalm 27:13-14- I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 33:4- For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.
|Signs of God's goodness in desolate places|
Psalm 33:20-22- We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
That is our prayer: “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.”
Until tonight I really have not been strong enough to write this blog post. I praise God and am so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, hugs, and even laughter from friends and family since Monday afternoon. You kindness has helped us start the journey of healing from this sad loss. I sigh as I think about this season of waiting we are in. It feels desolate. So far, our season of waiting has really been a season of heartache and closed doors. Closed doors to starting a family. Closed doors to all of the jobs we have applied for. This is where I come back to the verses about the goodness and love of the LORD. Hard to understand right now, but so very true, even now as we feel his love surround us.
Yesterday, right before the phone call, I had been reading Psalm 138:8- The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands. I read that as a promise- the LORD WILL. I believe that he has a purpose for me, even though I do not know the details of what that purpose is. I believe that he will fulfill it, even though I don’t know how. And so I echo the words of the psalmist: “your love endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.”
And so, here we are, friends. We wait on the purposes of the Lord to be fulfilled in the life of our family. We trust that God will not abandon us. And we look forward with both tears and joy to the day when we will become parents to our children. Thanks for your love and support as we anticipate that great day.