“Your love so deep is washing over me. Your face is all I seek, you are my everything.Jesus Christ, you are my one desire; Lord hear my only cry, to know you all my life.” (Hillsong Young and Free) How I need the words to this song today. My heart is broken in pieces. Jesus is my everything. Jesus is all I need. His love is washing over me.
My life verse declares the same heart as that song: “One thing I ask, this is what I seek- that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.” Psalm 27:4-5.
|High upon a rock (Valle de la Luna, Bolivia)|
Yesterday was a day of trouble, in the words of the Psalm. Today I am still feeling the aftershock and clinging desperately to God’s love. At 8:45 yesterday morning we got the call from the clinic. In God’s perfect timing, it came at a time when Josh and I were together and able to take the call on speakerphone. “Unfortunately, I do not have good news. The test was negative. You had an HCG of 1. You are not pregnant. I am so sorry.” The rest of the brief conversation was a blur.
I am struggling to write this now, and struggling to even put it into words. We are mourning our two perfect little embryos, who were alive when they were put into my uterus and then failed to implant, or implanted and then stopped growing. Two of our children, conceived of Josh and I, are no more. The clinic said I can expect a period in the next two weeks and then we have a follow up consultation with the doctor two weeks from today. My heart breaks- that was the same day we would have had the ultrasound to see if we were having twins. We would have heard the little tiny hearts beating that day. But God had a different path for us.
The amazing part about these last two days is that God truly has set me high upon a rock and kept me safe in his dwelling. Our family and friends have surrounded us with prayers and love (ie: hugs, good food, and flowers!). God has poured out peace on us. He has lavishly showed us the beauty of his creation.
“Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all. Christ alone, Cornerstone, weak made strong in the Savior’s love. Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all.” Jesus is Lord in this storm in my life. I praise him because his peace has been so present in the pain. I would even say that, as so many have prayed for us, his joy is present with us and that abiding joy has strengthened us. What a mysterious thing joy is. As I write this entry through tears, I feel joy. My heart is filled with joy because I know that Jesus’ love for us never changes or fails. My heart is filled with joy because he is with us and will never leave. I have joy because I know that our two very small babies were created by him and are with him now.
|The ways of God are higher than the skies are above the earth (La Paz, Bolivia)|
Faith is an incredible thing. It does not mean that you have all the answers. It does not necessarily mean you understand God’s plans or his ways. What faith does is give you the absolute, unshakeable confidence that God’s love is stronger than any and every circumstance you will ever find yourself in. It assures you that God’s ways are higher than your ways, his thoughts are higher than your thoughts, and that he will eventually work every single thing together for good. I serve a God who heals the brokenhearted, and gives strength to the weak. Here I am, God: brokenhearted and weak. He will heal my heart in time. Before 8:45 yesterday morning, I was waiting for news that I was pregnant. Since then, I have been waiting on God’s healing of my heart after it broke at the news that I am not.
There are so many questions: what went wrong?? will we try again with the four frozen embryos? what will that look like and will it be expensive? is my body strong enough now? will we have to wait until we move to Minnesota now? will we ever be able to get pregnant? will we ever be parents? when and how?
BUT we cannot answer those questions now. Josh wisely said our family is in a new season and a new mindset now: patience. We will not research and seek out answers yet. Right now my body needs to finish this cycle and then we need to meet with the doctor. (A small part of my heart still hopes for a miracle- maybe they were just late to implant and I won’t get a period.) We will be patient and rest in the Lord, though our tears, until then. God has kept us safe in our day of trouble, and he will continue to set us upon a high rock as the storms pass by.
Thank you for joining us on our journey. It is such an encouragement to know you are reading this and journeying with us. Your comments and prayers lift my spirit, friend!