Joyful in Hope

“Into the darkness you shine. Out of the ashes we rise.

There is no one like you, none like you.”

January is an intense month for us. Four years ago, one day in January we began our infertility journey with a new patient consultation with an infertility doctor at the IVF Michigan Toledo Fertility Center. On January 9, 2015, our first set of twins would have been due. Instead, we never got the opportunity to meet them, hold them, or share our lives with them. In January 2016, we began our journey toward adoption by attending an informational meeting for prospective adoptive parents in Hennepin County. January 2017 we moved into our first home and completed our home study paperwork for adoption. Then, last January we received an email from our adoption social worker and first read the story of the two little boys that would become our sons.

Here I sit, as I do the week of January 9 every year, and I mourn again the loss of our four babies. Our first set if twins would have turned three years old today. I just read through all of my old blog posts and picked through the bag of pictures, cards, IVF calendars, and mementos from our IVF journey.  And I cried, worshiped, and remembered the faithfulness of the Lord, even in this.

November 17, 2018. The Ladd family. 

Last year, we were still waiting for our dream of parenting to be fulfilled. God has been so good to us! When we first read the profiles for Michael and Jacob on that day last January, I knew immediately. These would be our sons. Brothers of the same ages God had put in my heart~ these sweet boys are not perfect (what kids are?) but they were ours from the beginning. Then they became legally ours on November 17, National Adoption Day. 

This year truly was our Ephesians 3:20 year.  In fact, God’s faithfulness and miraculous way of making us parents has been a long process of Him moving mountains, changing our hearts, and fulfilling promises.

Out of the ashes we rise. Our pain at losing two sets of twins is still real. It is still there. Yet, there is hope. God has lifted us up and has prepared us, provided for us, and sustains us even now. Michael and Jacob are the beautiful result of holding onto hope and continuing to follow God’s way even in the pain and darkness.

And, you know what is amazing to me as I sit here and write this? Our sons also experienced loss, sadness, darkness and pain to get to this point in their lives. Loss and grief are part of each member of our family. I have learned that no child arrives at the point of adoption into a new family, a new identity, a new life, without first losing their old family, their first identity, their former life. Though our experiences are different, I can understand the deep emotions of disappointment, grief and sorrow because of the path Josh and I have walked in the past four years.

My last journal entry was in April 2016, one year after we first tried IVF and lost our babies. At that time, we were praying and wondering what God had in store and when we would try to have our last round of IVF. Now we know part of what God had in store: fulfilling, permanent employment; owning our first home and putting down roots in St. Paul; adopting two precious sons; and a challenging first ten months of adjusting to life as a family of four (plus two cats). And now, later this morning, we embark on the next leg of the journey. With peace, we are praying for God’s guidance for whatever lies ahead as we try to give our last two embryos a chance at life. This morning Josh and I will have our first appointment with our new doctor at Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Joyful in hope. Sunlight through clouds.

My word for 2019 is JOY. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12. I am committing this year to remain joyful, even when I cannot see where I am going. We hope for what we do not yet see. We sit on the edge and peer down into the unknown- are we ready to try again? Is this the right clinic? Is my body ready? Will the boys be ready? How will we handle it all? Will I actually get pregnant? Then God reminds me: be joyful in hope, Sarah. It is in the hope of the Lord’s presence and the fulfillment of his will for me that I will remain joyful, no matter what the answers are.    

Thanks for joining us on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable here and for taking the time to read these words. Your encouragement and support mean so much.