Remembering

Our first set of twins would have been due on January 9. Last April, we believed that by Christmas our first children would have been born. Since Thanksgiving, I have faced a daily battle with sorrow as I think of those little babies we never got to snuggle or rock to sleep.

            We have been struggling to discern what is next. A number of people have asked for an update, and writing this blog post has been weighing on my heart. Friends, we still sit with many questions lingering. Are there steps we should take to grieve our losses? Should we plan for one last IVF attempt with the last two embryos? Or is the next step to pursue adoption locally? In the midst of pain, we have seen glimmers of hope and light moving us along. Adoption is such a beautiful possibility, one that has grabbed our hearts. I resonate so deeply with God's heart on adoption. He longs to "set the lonely in families." (Psalm 68:6) 

“It’s not over until God says so. So I count it all joy. You make all things new. It’s not over.” (It's not over, by Isreal and New Breed) Strength. Faith. Courage. As I remember God’s faithfulness to me through my life, I will find the strength to stand upon his promises. I will believe and hope for what I have not yet seen. I will face each moment with courage as we decide what is next.

In making these decisions, there is a constant sadness and a gnawing sense that we actually must continue to wait. We cannot move forward until we have sorted out some concrete things: income through fulfilling work, benefits to take care of ourselves and our future family, and housing big enough for a house study!

And so we wait. How fitting to be in a season of waiting during advent. Advent is the season in which we remember the long wait for the birth of the Savior so many years ago. We celebrate the peace, hope, joy, and love that Jesus’s birth brought into a very dark world. As I think back, I see that Jesus was born into messiness, waiting, and confusion. The parallels are striking: Joseph and Mary were waiting for their baby’s birth when they were homeless, away from family, and confused about what life would look like for them once they became parents. They, and a whole nation of people, waited for what was to come.    

O Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

Back then, the times were dark as they waited. The times seem dark as we wait for God to move in our lives.

             “A change is coming for me, if I stay strong and believe.” (Israel and New Breed) Yes. I truly do believe that. Although I do not know what is next, and I have no idea when or how we will become parents, I choose to believe. Just as we wait during advent, we will choose to rest in this season of waiting for our children.

God's confirmation. Romans 12:12

Why do I keep on believing that we will be parents someday, when the diagnosis of infertility looms large? God has confirmed it so many times. Even a couple of weeks ago, when I attended a women’s Christmas dinner at Freedom in Christ Church, the message was about waiting and the speaker talked about adoption and orphans in Mozambique. I wept. And then I won a door prize: a Willowtree figurine of a mother holding a toddler-aged child in a loving embrace. My heart whispered, thank you, God, for that confirmation.

            In Romans 12:12, God says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” The other night, Josh and I had a time of devotions together and he brought this verse. In the midst of infertility these three commands have been hard to live out at times. But our strength is being renewed day by day, as we continue to trust in God and take him at his Word. I met with the speaker from that women’s event this week. God has woven into our hearts so many of the same passions and the sweet time of prayer lifted my eyes back to Jesus, reminding me that He is in control even now. She encouraged me to REMEMBER God’s faithfulness in the past.

Moments passed through my heart. God healing my concussion in Mexico in 1997. The Holy Spirit’s amazing gift of the ability to speak Portuguese upon my arrival in Sao Paulo in 2004. The calling to be a voice for voiceless human trafficking survivors back in Maputo in 2009. God’s provision for my every need while in the mission fields of Honduras, Trinidad, Brazil, Liberia, Malawi, Kenya, Mozambique, and Bolivia. The family that God has given me in every single place I have ever lived. Meeting and marrying my loving, supportive husband. And now, this time. The faithful, prayerful friends and family who have stuck with us during this season of working with human trafficking survivors, losing our babies, and transitioning to a new chapter. Praise God for all of them, and for all of you. 

My heart is full as I reflect on those times of God’s faithfulness, and so many more. God truly is good. We will right now choose to be JOYFUL in hope, knowing that what is not yet seen will one day come to pass. We will choose to be PATIENT in this present affliction, resting in God’s comfort and peace. And we will choose to be FAITHFUL in prayer, praying until something happens in one or more of our areas of need. I encourage you to do the same thing: REMEMBER God’s faithfulness to you. And then choose to live our Romans 12:12 where you are at right now. 

And so I will end where I started. We are grieving the loss of our babies, who would have been born now. We struggle. We weep. But we know that “it’s not over until God says so.” And so we rejoice in that hope. And we wait to see that hope fulfilled. 

O Come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

            God will come. He will act. We know that. May you consider the waiting and the darkness as you celebrate the joy of hopes fulfilled. Merry Christmas. Thank you, again, for all of the love, prayers, and support this year. 

No longer slaves to fear

            The next stage of our journey has begun, in more ways than one. This morning starts our first day in this next chapter. This chapter is one that, so far, is mostly characterized by trusting our Father and relying on the love of our family and friends. Our hearts are saddened when we think of all we left behind in Ohio, but quietly hopeful toward what lies ahead. Knowing that I am a child of God, I will not be afraid of walking into the unknown.

                                   I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.

          

       Prayer is a powerful weapon. Prayer is communication with our God, and resting in His presence. Prayer is what has held me up over the past nine months. Truly, prayer side by side with my sisters and brothers in Christ has been the anchor God blessed me with over the last couple of years of ups and downs.

            Last Friday was my last day working as a staff attorney and coordinator of the Legal Aid of Western Ohio Human Trafficking Protection Project. This morning, as I reflect through prayer, worship, and journaling, I am filled with gratitude. I think back to August 23, 2009. That was the day that the seeds of the Human Trafficking Protection Project were planted in my heart. That is the day that I learned that “Hope is to the heart what seeds are to the soil.” If my heart has a strong hope in it, my heart will endure the difficulties to realize that hope. Hope is the starting point. Hope is the anchor of the soul. (Hebrews 6:19).

            On August 23, 2009, I went out for lunch with some of the other missionaries working in Maputo, Mozambique. We were eating “lulas” on the patio of the Catembe Grand Hotel on Catembe Island, in Maputo Bay. At that time, I was in the process of healing and recovering from a very difficult season. Mozambique had become my Psalm 40 place, the high rock on which he set my feet when he heard my cry and rescued me from the mud and mire. (Psalm 40:1-2). On August 23, 2009, he “put a new song in my mouth.” (Psalm 40:3). This new song started with worship, prayer and two words: human trafficking. God spoke the words to my heart that day at the Catembe Grand Hotel, and confirmed many times over that he was calling me to “be a voice for voiceless” survivors of human trafficking in the coming years.

            I took the LSAT, applied for law school, was awarded a full tuition scholarship, and began studying at Michigan State University College of Law with a single goal: to protect and speak up for survivors of human trafficking. Times were sometimes difficult (as anyone who has attended law school and sat for the bar exam would agree!!). I immediately became active in the Michigan Human Trafficking Task Force and applied for a summer legal internship with International Justice Mission. Through being a member of the task force and working in Bolivia with IJM, the calling that God put in my heart in 2009 sprang to life. At the end of my first year of law school, I brought together a group my classmates and we laid the groundwork to found the Modern Abolitionist Legal Society, and my years of raising awareness about human trafficking among professionals began with a bang.

            In law school, there is a lot of uncertainty about what kinds of jobs will be available when you graduate and pass the bar. With my singular purpose, I decided there was only one option: apply for a Skadden Fellowship to start a project that would provide representation to human trafficking survivors. It was a long shot. No graduate of my law school had ever been awarded a fellowship, and, in fact, the majority of fellows proposed projects in big cities and with known public interest legal organizations as partners. I chose internships and clinics to grow in the areas of immigration law, representation of vulnerable individuals, and human trafficking laws and policies.

The Family Justice Center- Defiance, OH

In August 2012, I attended a single session at the American Bar Association conference in Chicago: Witness Intimidation. I saw that a number of victim advocates and victim attorneys would be presenting, so I felt compelled to go.  That day was pivotal because I learned about the Family Justice Center model. A couple of weeks later, I decided to research the closest Family Justice Center to MSU Law, so I could visit and, hopefully, discuss partnering with me to seek a Skadden Fellowship. On the website, I found that the Family Justice Center of Northwest Ohio was the closest one, so I called the number listed. A week later, my new boyfriend (now my husband!) and I drove down to Defiance, Ohio, and I met Pam Hayman Weaner for the fist time. She convinced me that Defiance was the place to launch this project and put my vision into action. And so we did! Three years later, through the Skadden Fellowship and Legal Aid of Western Ohio, the project I started has trained over 3,700 professionals, responded to over 150 referrals of potential human trafficking, and represented more than 50 survivors. Not only that, but the Human Trafficking Protection Project is continuing at Legal Aid with new grant funding, very dedicated volunteers, an amazing supervisor, and a flourishing new chapter of a regional human trafficking coalition.  

You spread the sea so I could walk right through it.

My fears are drowned by perfect love.

            

          God was so incredibly faithful to the calling he put on my life. He fulfilled his promises to me and completed this chapter of the purpose for my life. There were some terrifying moments, and some moments of great uncertainty. But God came through every single time. Indeed, he parted the seas, moved the mountains, and drowned out my fears with his love. I am extremely grateful, not only to God but to each and every person who supported me and strengthened the project.

           

You might be reading this asking What does this all have to do with infertility, after all, this is a blog called Faith, Love, and Babies?  Good question, friends. At the risk of making this my longest blog post yet (I am already beginning page three on the word document I am typing in!), I will explain.

We went in for our follow up consultation with our fertility doctor in mid-September. It looks unlikely, friends. We were filled with sadness and fear that day, as the doctor said words like “genetic testing” and “surrogacy.” What?! He encouraged us to get genetic testing done on both of us, and to consider another full IVF cycle with genetic testing on each embryo before attempting to transfer them into me for implantation.

It was all too much. We felt no peace about moving forward. We did not do the genetic testing. We continue to pray for our two still-frozen embryos, and continue to wait for God to give us peace about the when to begin another frozen IVF cycle to give those two embryos a chance to grow and be born. But the chances don’t look very good. We will wait for God to lead us. 

A beautiful reminder (painted by Jane DeKorne)

Around that same time, we started to feel God moving us out of Ohio and to Minnesota. The week that I was sworn in as an attorney in Minnesota, Josh and I had some very positive meetings and interviews there. We felt God giving us the green and telling us “it’s time to move.” Neither of us had full time job offers. We had no place to live. But we began preparing to move, choosing to trust God. That is still basically where we are at today, as we sit in my parents’ basement in Luxemburg, Wisconsin.

And then a beautiful thing happened. We learned about the Waiting Kids list in Minnesota. God began to deeply stir our hearts and souls for children waiting for families in that state. We began to research, pray, and talk through the possibilities. We learned that, in Hennepin County alone (where Minneapolis is), there are 77 kids on the waiting list for families. We grow more and more certain each day that we are being called to create our family through adoption. God wants us to be parents to children who are alone and feeling unwanted. We desperately want to be their parents (no, not all 77!!). 

 

Godparents to our niece, Maya (10/18/15)

Even as I write this, my heart soars. I surrender to the beauty that God is making out of the ashes of loosing four babies this year. I surrender to the mystery of God’s plans for our lives. My heart still feel sadness for our children we never got to meet. I still may never fully understand. But I now feel excitement in this season of waiting, as the puzzle pieces begin to come together for us. God has brought us through another difficult season, and He has given me the firm anchor of hope to cling to as we peer into the unknown.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing: 

I am a child of God. 

            Friends, that is what I leave you with today. God has rescued me so I can stand and sing: “I am a child of God!” (Lyrics in italics throughout blog are from the song “No Longer Slaves.”) I see his fingerprints and his faithfulness so evidently. He has a plan for our lives, and he will fulfill those plans and purposes of us. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we continue on this journey and start a new chapter in so many areas of our lives. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. We appreciate you more than you know!

Here we go again!

Giant pink zinnia from seed- a symbol of God's new mercies

Here we go again!

Yesterday I got the calendar of dates for our second IVF cycle. I have struggled with doubt and fear over the last three months since we lost the two poppyseed-sized babies the doctor put into my uterus. “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!” (Lamentations 3:21-23)

God has been faithful to us repeatedly in our lives. There is even faithfulness in the peace, the hope, and the inexpressible joy he gave us after we lost those two little babies. We praise him for his faithfulness in creating not just the two embryos that we lost, but also four more embryos that are just waiting to grown and become our children. I am confident that I can place all of my hope in Him because he is faithful and his compassions never fail.

Isn’t it interesting how we can fret and analyze over a decision for so long, then when the moment comes to make the decision, there is a grace and a peace that illuminates the right choice so clearly you do not even see the other choices? That is how this decision was for us.

After we lost the babies, many people asked: “when are you going to try again?” Some prayed with us for a miracle, that we would get pregnant naturally in the months following the IVF failure. Initially, it just hurt so badly that I could not imagine trying again. I was scared to lose two more babies. I was afraid of how much money it would cost. I feared we would find out something even bigger was wrong with us. I was anxious about the timing of when to get pregnant and when to have babies since my job in Ohio is ending soon, and neither of us have jobs on the horizon yet. Josh and I talked, we prayed, and we waited.

As the time drew closer (the end of the month of June), a deep peace started to settle over me. I am studying a book called The Power of Hope, by Dutch Sheets. A friend from church has been reading and discussing it with me weekly, and is it ever exactly what I need to process through this decision! Hope against hope was the theme in the chapter last week and we studied it the very night that our hopes for natural pregnancy last month were dashed. Many times during our struggle, believing friends have prayed for us and said that we will be like Abraham and Sarah from the Bible. God will provide children for us, and we will be the parents of many little ones. Now, our situation for child-bearing has sometimes felt quite hopeless. Even trying one of the most advanced methods for getting pregnant, we failed. When I should be 15 weeks pregnant, instead we are preparing to try the process again. But there is a verse in Romans 4:18:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, ‘so shall your offspring be.’

That is a hope against hope. That is hope in the face of hopelessness. And for Abraham and Sarah, quite honestly, the situation was even more hopeless than for us! They were 100 years old! We are extremely blessed to have the technology of IVF, to have one of the best medical teams in the nation performing our process (Dr. Shamma is ranked number 4 nationally on live births from IVF cycles), and to have such supportive, generous friends and family walking the journey with us. I cannot forget to mention the healing from Fibromyalgia that God provided as I weaned off of my medications before we first started trying to get pregnant. That was a mighty display of faithfulness and the power of God, and a sign that he would provide for us all that we needed.

So, here I sit, staring out at my garden and contemplating the upcoming process. Before I share that process with you, let me share my garden. 

Backyard patio garden... out of uncultivated ground, all of these seeds sprang

Experiments in vegetable growing

True- heaven is closer in the garden

  These beautiful plants have been like a tangible expression of God’s new compassions every morning. New life springing up from dead ground, ground that has been flooded and drowned so many times this summer. Yet, God keeps these plants alive and flourishing. I am often reminded, through looking at my flowers, herbs and vegetables, of the way that God cares for me. Even after a strong flood and the risk of drowning, his light comes out, the sun dries up the floodwaters, and life springs up again.

On Sunday night, I started my first medication. Next Friday, July 24, I will need to have surgery up in Detroit to check for fibroids and remove any that have returned. A few days after that, the clinic will administer a $900 shot to me to suppress my ovarian production in the next cycle. I will have two ultrasound appointments in August- perfectly timed so that Josh will be back to go with me! I am so grateful God has orchestrated the dates so he can be present for the entire process this time. Then on August 19, we will travel up to Detroit to stay overnight before the big day. On August 20, the doctor will transfer two more embryos into my uterus. (already praying fervently for the thawing and the selection of the right two embryos!) My nurses (my sister and my neighbor, both named Mary J ) will give me shots until the pregnancy test. And, hoping against hope, we could find out we are pregnant on August 31, 2015.

Here we go again!

Thank you for journeying with us through this adventure of God’s faithfulness through infertility. It has meant so much to me when many of you have approached me and talked to me about our journey. Thank you for your love, your support, and your prayers. Please continue praying for us, and as always, leave a comment- they encourage me so much!

My First Mother's Day

The end of Mother’s Day week. All week long, I have been praying and thinking about putting my emotions into words. Each day I have thought Am I ready to write yet? I was not ready until now.

            On Mother’s Day, Josh and I celebrated our moms… all three of our wonderful moms, and so many more spiritual moms God has blessed us with. At church, I wished many mothers a special day that morning. But then the tears started.

            On Mother’s Day 2015, sorrow washed over my mind and my spirit. I really struggled… am I a mother too? We created two embryos that were in my body, but they died even before a positive pregnancy test. We loved them and had dreams for them. I was so blessed, because God knew what I was struggling with and brought two different women from our Bible Study group to answer the questions in my heart that morning. They both hugged me tightly and whispered to me: “Happy Mother’s Day. You are a mother. Your babies are in heaven with mine. I am praying for you. I love you.” I cried through the baby dedication, quickly walked out of church with tears in my eyes as gifting were being handed out to all of the moms, but these two women and their tender words stayed in my heart. 

            This week I have spent a lot of time in prayer, although it has honestly been a very busy week (Josh’s last law school exam and graduation, a very busy week of traveling for work and processing 9 new referrals of potential human trafficking victims from around the state of Ohio). I wish I would have been able to make more time to spend in God’s Word in the mornings, as that is usually my time of reflection and worship to focus before the day begins.

But God was faithful to bring scriptures to my mind when I needed them: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) That one prepared my heart at the beginning of the week for the appointment we had been half looking forward to and half dreading: the follow up consultation with our doctor after the failed IVF attempt. 

It has been difficult for the last two weeks to be patient, wait on the Lord, and lean not on my own understanding. But, with Josh’s encouragement and accountability, I made it to Wednesday morning without any researching, googling, planning, or analyzing what the doctor might say or what we might do next (so un-Warpinski-like of me!!). I definitely was tempted, and I certainly did think about it, but I stayed faithful to what Josh challenged me to do: WAIT.

Wednesday morning the doctor was compassionate and straight-forward with us. He said he was shocked the embryos did not implant, but there are many reasons that can happen, and the most likely culprit is out of human control (unless you want to pay an extra $5,000 for genetic testing of each embryo to make sure they are genetically competent, ie: have all the chromosomes). Apparently, implantation can fail for three reasons: (1) problems with uterine receptivity, (2) problems with the transfer procedure, and (3) problems with the embryos. The third is the most likely and most common reason for implantation failure. In our situation, he suspected that was the case, since my hormone levels clearly showed that neither of the embryos had ever implanted at all. However, there is a possibility that my body also had difficulties with uterine receptivity, too, because of the very large number of fibroids that the doctor found when he went in to do the hysteroscopy surgery in March, before we started the IVF cycle.

Hearing the breakdown of why and how this happens to couples somehow helped my mind and my heart in the healing process. Now, we still don’t know the exact cause of the failure. But we do know we have four more frozen embryos that look good, and we have a doctor who is one of the best in the nation. The prospect of trying again scares me but also excites me. We so badly want to be parents. My heart is still so broken, though. And what if it does not work again? Now that we know the deep heart break if IVF fails, it makes it a bit scary to go into it all over again.

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that God gives you enough grace to handle only the present moment, not the fears about the moments to come. No matter how painful, if you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and rest in the shelter of his wings, he WILL give you the grace you need. Another good reason to WAIT. This truth, like so many truths, has been distilled in my life through painful, trying experiences, and through heartbreaks. Each time I feel afraid, I remind myself: God gives grace to the brokenhearted, and heals them.

Church destroyed by war, Gbarpolu, Liberia (2005)

This week especially, as I have been reading another book about the genocide survivors in Rwanda, I am vividly reminded of the truth that God’s mercy comes in the moment in which it is needed, in a way that only the individual walking with Him can sense. I know, you may be thinking… wait, how did we start talking about genocide? And what does that have to do with God’s mercy and grace? How do genocide and losing babies through a failed IVF attempt relate to one another? Well, friends, all I can say is that in my heart they are related. Quite honestly (and if you know me well, you know this to be true), genocide relates to every spiritual truth I hold dear because God has touched my heart and my mind deeply with the stories, the prayers, the heartbreak, the devastation, and the enduring hope after the Rwandan genocide.

So, what will we do next? Well, for the time being, Josh will study for the bar exam and I will focus on the healing God wants to do in my life. This is yet another chapter for us. We are praying about another attempt with a frozen transfer in August, preparatory work to start in July, but are still seeking God about that decision (because of the expensive cost when are still struggling to ay back the first round and the timing right before we plan to move to Minnesota). Please join us in prayer.

Darkness and Light, Wisconsin lake (Father's Day 2007)

This week Josh and I spent some time praying and reading through Ephesians 6: the Armor of God. What a wonderful reminder! The shield of faith protects us from the lies that are thrown at us by the devil. When my mind wanders and my heart starts to feel overwhelmed or hopeless, the shield of faith protects me from going down those dark paths. Hope is my anchor. In the darkest moment, there is grace enough to handle the darkness and look toward the light.

Thank you, again, for joining us on our journey. I am so grateful for you encouragement, love, and prayers! Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms, to all who have lost children, and to all who deeply hope to one day be moms. May God bless you with grace enough to handle whatever darkness you are going through, may you lean not on your own understanding, and may hope be your anchor.