La Luz

“La luz siempre brilla en la oscuridad, y la luz siempre brillará”

            I originally began this journal entry on March 20, while I was in Antigua, Guatemala. My last few days in Guatemala filled up so quickly that I never returned to finish it! God has been moving mightily in the past month and I have a lot to share today: healing and hope, the resurrection of dreams, and next steps for our family. Just a warning: this is a long and exciting blog post. :) 

           

            This morning, as I sat down to finally write this blog entry, the words in today’s message in Reckless Devotion fairly jumped off the page at me. Heidi Baker is writing these words as if God were speaking to our hearts: Allow me to work with you. All I need is your willingness. Overcome your pride and come to Me. Let go of your preconceptions. Let go of every reason why something miraculous should not happen in your situation. Be obedient to Me. Allow me to step into your situation and show you what I can do with the smallest amount of trust.

          And so there is my challenge: to trust God with every situation in my life. To let go and be willing to see the miraculous happen. To obey and take the next step. And friends, I invite you to do the same. As you read the words below and see all that God has done in my life over the past month, please be open and be willing. Let go. Choose to trust God with every situation in your life. Even when life feels overwhelming and painful, and dreams seem so far away, trust.

Guatemala

A world without human trafficking

To recap the second half of the conference, before we went to Antigua, it was life-changing and transformational in the midst of much pain and conflict. All of our participants chose a type of violence to focus on in small groups. Many of them had been directly affected by the type of violence they chose. For example, the woman who chose to focus on human trafficking had a daughter who currently was being trafficked and exploited through pornography. We asked the groups to dream for a few moments about what the world would look like without the type of violence they focused on. What would their communities look like? What would the lives of the survivors look like if this type of violence no longer existed at all?

A world without gang violence

A world without gender-based violence

            

Abundance. Wholeness. Light. Equality. Freedom. The artistic expressions they created of the world without violence sprang off the pages with hope. No more human trafficking. No more gang violence, domestic violence, sexual assault, or violence during migration. A world of peace and potential for all people.

A world without migration violence

A world without domestic violence

After they created their visions of a world without violence, they began working on the specific tool kit they would use to help their communities heal after they returned home. The amazing effect of these tools went beyond healing to prevention. As each participant  shared both their story of healing and their plans for promoting healing in their communities, the entire group tangibly felt the weight of transformation among us.            

         This one week of my life spent co-facilitating this conference in Guatemala City now shines clearly as the most impactful, long-lasting work I have ever done to prevent violence and seek justice for the oppressed. I am awed and amazed that I had this opportunity, and that so many partnered with me to bring about this transformation. I truly believe that the epidemic violence in Central America will ultimately be stopped by the people at our conference and those they will touch.

The remainder of my time in Guatemala passed quickly, a combination of visiting a home for child sexual abuse survivors, enjoying the excitement of Antigua during semana santa, and working with Laurel on our human trafficking article. Palm Sunday morning was an incredible experience- walking around the city of Antigua, Guatemala, so that we could see the people making the alfombras and palmas for the processions today. That day was so special- domingo de las ramas- in Guatemala, which means parades, crowds, flowers, and huge carpets made of flowers, leaves, and colored sawdust in the streets near the catholic churches. I was astonished at the outpouring of the faithful that week, a reminder of the joy present even amidst the violence in Central America. 

Through it all, the words spoken by Willie, the president of Semilla Seminary, at our closing event stayed in my heart:  “La luz siempre brilla en la oscuridad, y la luz siempre brillará.” No matter how dark, and no matter how hopeless, light will always shine through the darkness.

Human Trafficking

If you have known me in the last seven years, you know that advocating for human trafficking survivors is central to my heart and my life vocation. I have not often used this blog as an opportunity to share that part of me, as the purpose of it was initially to give voice to one of the most difficult parts of who I am, namely, my unfulfilled desire to be a mother. But today is different. This is really a snapshot blog entry of a lot of the different things happening in my life right now. And my work related to human trafficking is a part of what is happening, friends!

            Since our move to Minnesota, I have stayed active as an advocate for human trafficking survivors and for systems change around anti-trafficking issues. It has been a wonderful experience getting connected to organizations here (The Advocates for Human Rights, the Minnesota Department of Health), while continuing some of my work with Ohio. I am so grateful for these partners and friends, old and new! 

            Two new exciting things have happened recently. First, in August I will become an adjunct professor for the first time. I will be teaching an online course called Human Trafficking and the Law through the University of Toledo, and it is already full of criminal justice and social work students!! I am thrilled for the opportunity, because I have learned that our collective response to human trafficking really grows exponentially more effective the more multi-disciplinary professionals truly understand human trafficking. Kudos to the University of Toledo Human Trafficking and Social Justice Institute for pushing hard for this course! 

            Second, returning to Guatemala for a moment, I just need to say I am so excited for the article that Laurel Neufeld Weaver and I are writing on human trafficking. It is called Moving Forward: Accompanying Human Trafficking Survivors Using Trauma-Informed Practices in the United States, and will be an amazing, practical tool for people who interact with and serve human trafficking survivors in any capacity on their journey to wholeness and healing. Much of what we write about is inspired by our experiences in Ohio working directly with survivors, but it is framed by the conference we recently led in Guatemala City.

Friends, if you work with the survivors of any form of violence or exploitation, this article will help you prepare, evaluate, and implement more effective accompaniment of survivors. I wish I would have had access to an article like this when I first started representing trafficking survivors!

And one more thing about trafficking: I am coming to Ohio in June to provide a series of trainings of labor trafficking and trafficking of children in rural communities. Ohio friends: I hope to see you when we are in the state!

Many of you have accompanied me over the past seven years as I have sought to follow God’s calling on my life to advocate for human trafficking survivors and be a voice for the voiceless. I have now come to understand that calling in a slightly different way. As I have learned about trauma and healing through working so closely with almost 200 survivors, I have come to understand that, rather than me giving voice to a voiceless victim, my goal is to build up that victim so he or she can become a survivor able to advocate for himself or herself. Coming out of such utter despair, darkness, and struggle, it can be hard to even imagine such a thing. But I have seen it happen over and over! 

I come back again to the words I heard at Semilla: “La luz siempre brilla en la oscuridad, y la luz siempre brillará.”  Hope is the light that shines through and helps illuminate the next steps for victims, the steps that help them climb out of darkness and into light. 

New Job! My African Heart

In southeast Kenya with a group of community health workers, July 2009 

          

I realize this blog post is getting long… but now I hope I have your attention (or maybe you skipped down to this section to hear the big news)! And so here it is: I have committed to become the new Executive Director at Light of Hope Kenya and Lighthouse Ministries International of Africa!! 

            We are still negotiating the contract details, so it is not completely official yet, but I needed to let all you out there who have been praying for us and supporting us know that I got a full-time job! And so much more than a full-time job… this is a dream come true! I will be directing an organization that works with girls in Africa, providing refuge, restoration, and redirection through shelter, education, and leadership training. Many of these girls come to the program because of abuse or exploitation, neglect, abandonment, or being orphaned. The organization helps them grow into leaders in their communities and dramatically reduces their risk of being trafficked, abused, or exploited as adults. The current work (of serving almost 100 girls daily in Kenya) is big, but the vision is even bigger!

            Since leaving Ohio, my passion for human trafficking survivors has really led me back to prevention. I have focused on adoption and foster care, on empowerment to prevent re-victimization, and now on protecting and educating highly vulnerable girls. It is a perfect fit! And even more exciting: I get to go back to Africa for the first time in six years!!

God has been equipping me for this opportunity, and I am so excited to jump in full-time on July 1. Stay tuned for more details about how you can get involved with Light of Hope. :)

Our Family

And so here we are again, after all of the exciting news, talking about babies. I will keep this last section short and sweet.

Many of you have come along with Josh and I on this journey from the beginning of our infertility diagnosis. My heart aches when I think back on everything we have endured. Friends, it has been a year of difficult anniversaries (one month since we lost the first set of babies, the date the first set of twins would have been due, a month since we lost the second set of babies). And now, as many of you know, it has been exactly one year since e created our six little embryos and our first IVF attempt failed. We lost two babies in April 2015.

 

HOPE
Picture taken April 28, 2015 over a field near our home in Defiance, OH

We actually found out on the last Tuesday morning in April last year. That’s when I got the worst phone call of my life to that point: “Unfortunately, I am not calling with good news. The test was negative. You lost both babies.” Josh and I still remain so incredibly grateful to all of you who reached out to us, loved us, encouraged us, prayed for us, and even made us laugh as we struggled to respond. And so, it will be one year ago tomorrow. My heart is heavy, yet full. God is on the move. Over this last year, time and again I have seen his resurrection power and yielded my own will to his. He is the God of miracles, and his Light always will triumph over darkness.

“La luz siempre brilla en la oscuridad, y la luz siempre brillará.”

We will keep moving forward: praying for a miracle and planning for adoption. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. Lots of big things coming and evidence of hope everywhere! Your support helps us keep on believing and helps us see the light shining through. 

New steps in the journey...

We are falling more and more in love with God's heart. And we are learning to trust him in a deeper, more day-to-day way. Recently, the verse that inspired this blog has leapt back into my heart again.

[Jesus] replied, "Because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a poppyseed, you can say to this mountain, 'MOVE from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. 

- Matthew 17:20

Altiplano, Bolivia (2011)

Altiplano, Bolivia (2011)

As we begin 2016 with the goal of living out and growing our FAITH, we are relentlessly trying to seek after God's will for us, even as we still mourn the loss of our babies. We feel it is time to take some steps forward, in faith, as we explore and live our God's heart for the lonely, the orphaned, and the oppressed. And we hope that 2016 just may be the year to claim the promise... nothing will be impossible with faith!

Josh and I have decided to begin the process of adopting a group of siblings from the Minnesota Waiting Kids list. (!!!) We have attended the first meeting with the county, and are now selecting which agency to work with to get our training, home study, and matching done. How exciting! Of course, one of us must get a permanent full time job so we can rent our own house first. With faith nothing is impossible! And so we keep on moving forward. I already feel a bigger dream stirring in my heart. What if the Church stepped up, supporting families within every single local church, so that there simply was NO MORE waiting kids list?! Definitely something on my mind a lot lately, and absolutely a God-sized vision, but one that keeps on burning in me. I will keep you updated on our adoption process (and on this bigger vision), but in the meantime would you pray with us for the family that God wants to give us?

We also have decided that I will travel to Central America on a missions trip/ writing trip from March 30- April 12. I am thrilled, especially since God developed so much of my heart for the broken while I lived in Honduras in 2002.
God has opened this door for me to: 

- pour out his love on orphans at a Guatemalan orphanage,
-encourage domestic violence survivors at a women's shelter and empowerment program in rural Guatemala,
-teach and mentor youth at a Guatemala City drop in center for children who have been returned to Guatemala after suffering injuries when trying to cross into the United States,
-write an article on trauma-informed practices in serving trafficking survivors with my colleague and friend, Laurel, and
- support local anti-trafficking programs in Guatemala, El Salvador, and (maybe!) Belize

In order to travel to Guatemala to carry out this work, I am in need of both prayer and financial resources. If you want to know more or you want to donate, would you please take a look at My new gofundme page??

It is my hope and prayer that these will be the first of many steps in our lives which will bring a measure of beauty and goodness out of the sorrow of the past year. In other words, we are praying for an Isaiah 61 redemption: "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Amen!
Thanks for journeying with us.

No longer slaves to fear

            The next stage of our journey has begun, in more ways than one. This morning starts our first day in this next chapter. This chapter is one that, so far, is mostly characterized by trusting our Father and relying on the love of our family and friends. Our hearts are saddened when we think of all we left behind in Ohio, but quietly hopeful toward what lies ahead. Knowing that I am a child of God, I will not be afraid of walking into the unknown.

                                   I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.

          

       Prayer is a powerful weapon. Prayer is communication with our God, and resting in His presence. Prayer is what has held me up over the past nine months. Truly, prayer side by side with my sisters and brothers in Christ has been the anchor God blessed me with over the last couple of years of ups and downs.

            Last Friday was my last day working as a staff attorney and coordinator of the Legal Aid of Western Ohio Human Trafficking Protection Project. This morning, as I reflect through prayer, worship, and journaling, I am filled with gratitude. I think back to August 23, 2009. That was the day that the seeds of the Human Trafficking Protection Project were planted in my heart. That is the day that I learned that “Hope is to the heart what seeds are to the soil.” If my heart has a strong hope in it, my heart will endure the difficulties to realize that hope. Hope is the starting point. Hope is the anchor of the soul. (Hebrews 6:19).

            On August 23, 2009, I went out for lunch with some of the other missionaries working in Maputo, Mozambique. We were eating “lulas” on the patio of the Catembe Grand Hotel on Catembe Island, in Maputo Bay. At that time, I was in the process of healing and recovering from a very difficult season. Mozambique had become my Psalm 40 place, the high rock on which he set my feet when he heard my cry and rescued me from the mud and mire. (Psalm 40:1-2). On August 23, 2009, he “put a new song in my mouth.” (Psalm 40:3). This new song started with worship, prayer and two words: human trafficking. God spoke the words to my heart that day at the Catembe Grand Hotel, and confirmed many times over that he was calling me to “be a voice for voiceless” survivors of human trafficking in the coming years.

            I took the LSAT, applied for law school, was awarded a full tuition scholarship, and began studying at Michigan State University College of Law with a single goal: to protect and speak up for survivors of human trafficking. Times were sometimes difficult (as anyone who has attended law school and sat for the bar exam would agree!!). I immediately became active in the Michigan Human Trafficking Task Force and applied for a summer legal internship with International Justice Mission. Through being a member of the task force and working in Bolivia with IJM, the calling that God put in my heart in 2009 sprang to life. At the end of my first year of law school, I brought together a group my classmates and we laid the groundwork to found the Modern Abolitionist Legal Society, and my years of raising awareness about human trafficking among professionals began with a bang.

            In law school, there is a lot of uncertainty about what kinds of jobs will be available when you graduate and pass the bar. With my singular purpose, I decided there was only one option: apply for a Skadden Fellowship to start a project that would provide representation to human trafficking survivors. It was a long shot. No graduate of my law school had ever been awarded a fellowship, and, in fact, the majority of fellows proposed projects in big cities and with known public interest legal organizations as partners. I chose internships and clinics to grow in the areas of immigration law, representation of vulnerable individuals, and human trafficking laws and policies.

The Family Justice Center- Defiance, OH

In August 2012, I attended a single session at the American Bar Association conference in Chicago: Witness Intimidation. I saw that a number of victim advocates and victim attorneys would be presenting, so I felt compelled to go.  That day was pivotal because I learned about the Family Justice Center model. A couple of weeks later, I decided to research the closest Family Justice Center to MSU Law, so I could visit and, hopefully, discuss partnering with me to seek a Skadden Fellowship. On the website, I found that the Family Justice Center of Northwest Ohio was the closest one, so I called the number listed. A week later, my new boyfriend (now my husband!) and I drove down to Defiance, Ohio, and I met Pam Hayman Weaner for the fist time. She convinced me that Defiance was the place to launch this project and put my vision into action. And so we did! Three years later, through the Skadden Fellowship and Legal Aid of Western Ohio, the project I started has trained over 3,700 professionals, responded to over 150 referrals of potential human trafficking, and represented more than 50 survivors. Not only that, but the Human Trafficking Protection Project is continuing at Legal Aid with new grant funding, very dedicated volunteers, an amazing supervisor, and a flourishing new chapter of a regional human trafficking coalition.  

You spread the sea so I could walk right through it.

My fears are drowned by perfect love.

            

          God was so incredibly faithful to the calling he put on my life. He fulfilled his promises to me and completed this chapter of the purpose for my life. There were some terrifying moments, and some moments of great uncertainty. But God came through every single time. Indeed, he parted the seas, moved the mountains, and drowned out my fears with his love. I am extremely grateful, not only to God but to each and every person who supported me and strengthened the project.

           

You might be reading this asking What does this all have to do with infertility, after all, this is a blog called Faith, Love, and Babies?  Good question, friends. At the risk of making this my longest blog post yet (I am already beginning page three on the word document I am typing in!), I will explain.

We went in for our follow up consultation with our fertility doctor in mid-September. It looks unlikely, friends. We were filled with sadness and fear that day, as the doctor said words like “genetic testing” and “surrogacy.” What?! He encouraged us to get genetic testing done on both of us, and to consider another full IVF cycle with genetic testing on each embryo before attempting to transfer them into me for implantation.

It was all too much. We felt no peace about moving forward. We did not do the genetic testing. We continue to pray for our two still-frozen embryos, and continue to wait for God to give us peace about the when to begin another frozen IVF cycle to give those two embryos a chance to grow and be born. But the chances don’t look very good. We will wait for God to lead us. 

A beautiful reminder (painted by Jane DeKorne)

Around that same time, we started to feel God moving us out of Ohio and to Minnesota. The week that I was sworn in as an attorney in Minnesota, Josh and I had some very positive meetings and interviews there. We felt God giving us the green and telling us “it’s time to move.” Neither of us had full time job offers. We had no place to live. But we began preparing to move, choosing to trust God. That is still basically where we are at today, as we sit in my parents’ basement in Luxemburg, Wisconsin.

And then a beautiful thing happened. We learned about the Waiting Kids list in Minnesota. God began to deeply stir our hearts and souls for children waiting for families in that state. We began to research, pray, and talk through the possibilities. We learned that, in Hennepin County alone (where Minneapolis is), there are 77 kids on the waiting list for families. We grow more and more certain each day that we are being called to create our family through adoption. God wants us to be parents to children who are alone and feeling unwanted. We desperately want to be their parents (no, not all 77!!). 

 

Godparents to our niece, Maya (10/18/15)

Even as I write this, my heart soars. I surrender to the beauty that God is making out of the ashes of loosing four babies this year. I surrender to the mystery of God’s plans for our lives. My heart still feel sadness for our children we never got to meet. I still may never fully understand. But I now feel excitement in this season of waiting, as the puzzle pieces begin to come together for us. God has brought us through another difficult season, and He has given me the firm anchor of hope to cling to as we peer into the unknown.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing: 

I am a child of God. 

            Friends, that is what I leave you with today. God has rescued me so I can stand and sing: “I am a child of God!” (Lyrics in italics throughout blog are from the song “No Longer Slaves.”) I see his fingerprints and his faithfulness so evidently. He has a plan for our lives, and he will fulfill those plans and purposes of us. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we continue on this journey and start a new chapter in so many areas of our lives. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and love. We appreciate you more than you know!