Here we go again!

Giant pink zinnia from seed- a symbol of God's new mercies

Here we go again!

Yesterday I got the calendar of dates for our second IVF cycle. I have struggled with doubt and fear over the last three months since we lost the two poppyseed-sized babies the doctor put into my uterus. “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!” (Lamentations 3:21-23)

God has been faithful to us repeatedly in our lives. There is even faithfulness in the peace, the hope, and the inexpressible joy he gave us after we lost those two little babies. We praise him for his faithfulness in creating not just the two embryos that we lost, but also four more embryos that are just waiting to grown and become our children. I am confident that I can place all of my hope in Him because he is faithful and his compassions never fail.

Isn’t it interesting how we can fret and analyze over a decision for so long, then when the moment comes to make the decision, there is a grace and a peace that illuminates the right choice so clearly you do not even see the other choices? That is how this decision was for us.

After we lost the babies, many people asked: “when are you going to try again?” Some prayed with us for a miracle, that we would get pregnant naturally in the months following the IVF failure. Initially, it just hurt so badly that I could not imagine trying again. I was scared to lose two more babies. I was afraid of how much money it would cost. I feared we would find out something even bigger was wrong with us. I was anxious about the timing of when to get pregnant and when to have babies since my job in Ohio is ending soon, and neither of us have jobs on the horizon yet. Josh and I talked, we prayed, and we waited.

As the time drew closer (the end of the month of June), a deep peace started to settle over me. I am studying a book called The Power of Hope, by Dutch Sheets. A friend from church has been reading and discussing it with me weekly, and is it ever exactly what I need to process through this decision! Hope against hope was the theme in the chapter last week and we studied it the very night that our hopes for natural pregnancy last month were dashed. Many times during our struggle, believing friends have prayed for us and said that we will be like Abraham and Sarah from the Bible. God will provide children for us, and we will be the parents of many little ones. Now, our situation for child-bearing has sometimes felt quite hopeless. Even trying one of the most advanced methods for getting pregnant, we failed. When I should be 15 weeks pregnant, instead we are preparing to try the process again. But there is a verse in Romans 4:18:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, ‘so shall your offspring be.’

That is a hope against hope. That is hope in the face of hopelessness. And for Abraham and Sarah, quite honestly, the situation was even more hopeless than for us! They were 100 years old! We are extremely blessed to have the technology of IVF, to have one of the best medical teams in the nation performing our process (Dr. Shamma is ranked number 4 nationally on live births from IVF cycles), and to have such supportive, generous friends and family walking the journey with us. I cannot forget to mention the healing from Fibromyalgia that God provided as I weaned off of my medications before we first started trying to get pregnant. That was a mighty display of faithfulness and the power of God, and a sign that he would provide for us all that we needed.

So, here I sit, staring out at my garden and contemplating the upcoming process. Before I share that process with you, let me share my garden. 

Backyard patio garden... out of uncultivated ground, all of these seeds sprang

Experiments in vegetable growing

True- heaven is closer in the garden

  These beautiful plants have been like a tangible expression of God’s new compassions every morning. New life springing up from dead ground, ground that has been flooded and drowned so many times this summer. Yet, God keeps these plants alive and flourishing. I am often reminded, through looking at my flowers, herbs and vegetables, of the way that God cares for me. Even after a strong flood and the risk of drowning, his light comes out, the sun dries up the floodwaters, and life springs up again.

On Sunday night, I started my first medication. Next Friday, July 24, I will need to have surgery up in Detroit to check for fibroids and remove any that have returned. A few days after that, the clinic will administer a $900 shot to me to suppress my ovarian production in the next cycle. I will have two ultrasound appointments in August- perfectly timed so that Josh will be back to go with me! I am so grateful God has orchestrated the dates so he can be present for the entire process this time. Then on August 19, we will travel up to Detroit to stay overnight before the big day. On August 20, the doctor will transfer two more embryos into my uterus. (already praying fervently for the thawing and the selection of the right two embryos!) My nurses (my sister and my neighbor, both named Mary J ) will give me shots until the pregnancy test. And, hoping against hope, we could find out we are pregnant on August 31, 2015.

Here we go again!

Thank you for journeying with us through this adventure of God’s faithfulness through infertility. It has meant so much to me when many of you have approached me and talked to me about our journey. Thank you for your love, your support, and your prayers. Please continue praying for us, and as always, leave a comment- they encourage me so much!