Late night musings on faith and poppy seeds

I woke up in the middle of the night. Around 12:25 AM, I decided to stop battling with insomnia and just get up. In my past, sometimes insomnia has meant that God is trying to get me alone to be with Him. With a hot cup of chamomile tea, I sat with worship music and my open Message Bible, and I waited on the LORD. I want to be vulnerable and open before God, and He has prompted me to share this with you. Here it goes...

           

            My mind was racing. I have had so many thoughts all day; what a whirl of thoughts since I tried to close my eyes at 11:10 PM. Most of my thoughts revolved around the poppy seed-sized future children (embryos) multiplying in a petri dish in Detroit right now. 

            The Spirit first led me to read tonight’s devotional from Grace for the Moment (by Max Lucado). The question left for contemplation at the end of the reading was: “why is the empty tomb a symbol of joy for Christians?” As the song “The King is Here,” by Kim Walker Smith played, I thought about the answers. “The King is here… Jesus is alive”- that is why we celebrate the empty tomb! That joy of Jesus’ defeat of death and resurrection to life, triumphing over all powers of sin and darkness, despair and death, is why the empty tomb is a symbol of joy. In fact, that joy of the victorious empty tomb is my strength. I claim that strength this week.

           

            I went in search for the resurrection passages in the gospels, but halfway through Matthew I began to thing about worship. How I want to worship God with my whole heart in it, as Matthew 15:8-9 says. When I state and profess the words about the empty tomb and claim that joy as my strength even in trying times, I want to mean it with my whole heart! That passage is Jesus quoting the prophet Isaiah to and about the Pharisees: “These people make a big show out of saying the right thing, but their heart isn’t in it. They act like they’re worshiping me, but they don’t mean it. They just use me as a cover for teaching whatever suits their fancy.” Oh no!! In that moment I prayed aloud against Satan’s attempts and schemes to bind our family with insincere hearts and minds, that simply use Jesus’ words as a cover for our own wants and opinions. Cleanse my heart, LORD. May your joy truly be my strength as we cross this path you have laid out for us, this path toward creating a family that will love, serve, and follow you wholeheartedly.

           I continued my search for the resurrection story and I came upon the topic of faith. I began to read Matthew 17:20 aloud: “Because you’re not taking God seriously, said Jesus. “The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, say as small as a poppy seed, you would say to this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.” This is still Jesus talking to his disciples, this time because they were unable to cast a demon out of a child. Interesting fact- the blastocytes growing in the laboratory right now are just the size of a poppy seed! I have been thinking about poppy seed size much of the day- it is very small!! As I meditated on this scripture and prayed for faith to truly and wholeheartedly believe God is able and will make us parents, the song “Climb” by Will Reagan- “I will climb this mountain… there is nothing I hold onto.” Well, I suppose one could then say that even if God chooses not to MOVE the mountain of infertility with our faith, He could still help us to climb it by faith and with His joy to carry us through. In a way, I feel like that is what this IVF cycle has been- climbing the mountain of infertility by faith with God’s joy as our strength.

            I confess, I have tried to take control today- no more creating baby registries and planning nurseries until AFTER the first ultrasound to definitely confirm pregnancy. I am done. I am letting go. I worshiping wholeheartedly and believing God can move this mountain His way.

            It is now 1:26 AM. Yikes! This is the latest I have stayed up in a long time! Good thing tomorrow is another day of relaxation, meditation, and preparation. There should be time for a nap! 

Before I went to bed tonight… God laid it on my heart to share these. Words from my heart to yours. I pray they will encourage you, whatever journey you are on. Move that mountain. Climb that mountain. But in all, do it wholeheartedly. 

I do not know how long this blog will continue, but tonight, I am sharing my thoughts and will just follow God on this.  NOTE: it is now almost 2:00 AM.