“Into the darkness you shine. Out of the ashes we rise.
There is no one like you, none like you.”
January is an intense month for us.
Four years ago, one day in January we began our infertility journey with a new
patient consultation with an infertility doctor at the IVF Michigan Toledo
Fertility Center. On January 9, 2015, our first set of twins would have been
due. Instead, we never got the opportunity to meet them, hold them, or share
our lives with them. In January 2016, we began our journey toward adoption by
attending an informational meeting for prospective adoptive parents in Hennepin
County. January 2017 we moved into our first home and completed our home study
paperwork for adoption. Then, last January we received an email from our
adoption social worker and first read the story of the two little boys that
would become our sons.
Here I sit, as I do the week of
January 9 every year, and I mourn again the loss of our four babies. Our first
set if twins would have turned three years old today. I just read through all
of my old blog posts and picked through the bag of pictures, cards, IVF
calendars, and mementos from our IVF journey.
And I cried, worshiped, and remembered the faithfulness of the Lord,
even in this.
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| November 17, 2018. The Ladd family. |
Last year, we were still waiting
for our dream of parenting to be fulfilled. God has been so good to us! When we
first read the profiles for Michael and Jacob on that day last January, I knew
immediately. These would be our sons. Brothers of the same ages God had put in
my heart~ these sweet boys are not perfect (what kids are?) but they were ours
from the beginning. Then they became legally ours on November 17, National
Adoption Day.
This year truly was our Ephesians 3:20 year. In fact, God’s faithfulness and miraculous
way of making us parents has been a long process of Him moving mountains,
changing our hearts, and fulfilling promises.
Out of the ashes we rise. Our pain
at losing two sets of twins is still real. It is still there. Yet, there is hope.
God has lifted us up and has prepared us, provided for us, and sustains us even
now. Michael and Jacob are the beautiful result of holding onto hope and
continuing to follow God’s way even in the pain and darkness.
And, you know what is amazing to me
as I sit here and write this? Our sons also experienced loss, sadness, darkness
and pain to get to this point in their lives. Loss and grief are part of each
member of our family. I have learned that no child arrives at the point of
adoption into a new family, a new identity, a new life, without first losing
their old family, their first identity, their former life. Though our
experiences are different, I can understand the deep emotions of
disappointment, grief and sorrow because of the path Josh and I have walked in
the past four years.
My last journal entry was in April
2016, one year after we first tried IVF and lost our babies. At that time, we
were praying and wondering what God had in store and when we would try to have
our last round of IVF. Now we know part of what God had in store: fulfilling,
permanent employment; owning our first home and putting down roots in St. Paul;
adopting two precious sons; and a challenging first ten months of adjusting to
life as a family of four (plus two cats). And now, later this morning, we
embark on the next leg of the journey. With peace, we are praying for God’s
guidance for whatever lies ahead as we try to give our last two embryos a
chance at life. This morning Josh and I will have our first appointment with our
new doctor at Center for Reproductive Medicine.
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| Joyful in hope. Sunlight through clouds. |
My word for 2019 is JOY. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12. I am committing this year to remain joyful,
even when I cannot see where I am going. We hope for what we do not yet see. We
sit on the edge and peer down into the unknown- are we ready to try again? Is
this the right clinic? Is my body ready? Will the boys be ready? How will we
handle it all? Will I actually get pregnant? Then God reminds me: be joyful in hope, Sarah. It is in the hope
of the Lord’s presence and the fulfillment of his will for me that I will
remain joyful, no matter what the answers are.
Thanks for joining us on this
journey. Thank you for allowing me to be
vulnerable here and for taking the time to read these words. Your encouragement
and support mean so much.
